MEN: more complex and interesting than our negative stereotype

 The Democratic Party in the U.S. has launched what they are calling Project SAM, Speaking with American Men…in the hope that they might recoup many of the lost votes of young men who either did not vote in 2024, or voted Republican.

Smerconish, on CNN earlier today interviewed a representative of both the party and the program, noting that, from the Democratic Party website, there is a long list of those the party ‘fights for’ that excludes young men.

This issue of masculinity, especially focused on men between the ages of 18 and 35, although not restricted to that demographic, has lurked around, not necessarily in polite and political correct corridors for a decade or more. There are ‘gender politics’ reporters and commentators on some daily papers, many of them women, who as some report, receive many calls from young men who are deeply concerned about their own ‘fitting into’ the society.

They list such subjects as:

Feminism has gone too far,

How to relate to women

How to provide for a family

How to know if they are healthy men

Why do I feel unworthy?

And, as might be predicted, many of these searching young men are then referred to groups like the White Ribbon, a movement of men and boys dedicated to ending violence against women and girls. Other groups have programs for retraining, for budgeting, for mental health and the need for their expertise cannot be doubted. A personal anecdote:

While speaking with a group of earnest community minded women about the issue of male suicide, the instant response was ‘we need a men’s group’….and when I heard those words, I literally and figuratively wilted, like a dandelion starved of rain-water.

Why?

Programs, by their very nature need mission statements, fund raising, values, goals and objectives. They rely on leadership from executives, and a filtering process of whom they consider to be their prospective clients. Even the most primitive, unbureaucratic, anti-authoritarian and accessible present as a ‘support and solution’ for whatever it might be that is ‘troubling’ their prospective clients.

Men are already feeling somewhat stigmatized, without knowing either why or what it means to be a man in contemporary culture.

And while programs may help some, I, for one, suggest, that using the analogy of the food banks that really perpetuate the problem of hunger and scarcity, they are at best a band-aid, a necessary and worthy band-aid, but a band-aid nevertheless.

Even mental health programs and facilities, while worthy, warranted, and honourable, offer psychic barriers to anyone who would like to talk with someone, and, for many men, that someone does not have to be a trained, schooled graduate in Social Work, Clinical Psychology, Psychiatry, or even Emotional Counselling.

Not that long ago, I was speaking with male counsellor who had participated in a formal, organized conference of professionals, whose topic was ‘Why do men not participate in talk therapy, as women do?’ And although my response to this conference was that men did not need to apologize for not being female, and he clearly took offence, I continue to posit that talk therapy is a child of primarily female therapeutic and psychiatric clients. The flowering evidence of this sociological trend is that the definition of depression in the DSM (whatever number they’re at currently) is derived from exclusively female clients.

Women for decades, perhaps even centuries, have gathered in circles of ‘sisters’ to talk, to commiserate, to console, to support and to embolden their sisters. And while those groups have an honourable and completely justified history and tradition, there is literally nothing similar among men.

Pubs where men engage about the political, business, sports, weather, and perhaps even an occasional job loss, generally, have both different topics, different approaches, and different expectations. Talking about emotions, for many men, is not only out of sight and out of mind, it is almost considered an invasion of privacy, and a threat to their masculinity. Emotions are the area where women rule. As a family doctor explained to me, in the first years of this century, when I mentioned that ‘men needed to own and discern their emotions’ responded, without skipping a breath, “Oh John but women do it so much better!” to which I retorted, “Who is making it a competition as you just did, certainly not women?”

That little anecdote slips from memory alongside another, with a volunteer fire and rescue forty-something autobody tech. After a particularly lethal and ugly car crash his crew had worked, I asked if the crew had any support system for them to unpack their trauma like the one just experienced. His answer is written in large, indelible letters:

“No, and if there were such a support, not a single one of our crew would ever let another crew member know that he had sought it out.”

Two-plus decades as an English teacher taught me that the literature, especially the novels and poetry were generally regarded as either BS, or frothy, flim-flam of emotions by the young men. This masculine resistance was as much about not being like the girls, (who eagerly and authentically, if experimentally, engaged in the conversations), as protecting their own emotions from public display. The male students would, however, engage vigorously if the topic arose from the manuscript, and they could argue for or against some decision of a character. Eager to engage and to demonstrate debating prowess, they obviously thought, was very different and also totally tolerable for a male adolescent to participate, without losing any of the fragile self-regard and identity he was developing.

Not to stereotype masculinity among adolescents as primarily or exclusively as competition, (that would be unfair and reductionistic), nor femininity as compassionate and supportive, (that would also be reductionistic), however, it seems that there can be some qualitative and nuanced perceptions among the different genders, at the adolescent stage.

And the ‘rub-off’ influence of other males, whether as personal mentors, parents, athletic or academic or professional role models, it seems to this unschooled, unresearched eye and mind, have a significant role to play in the development of whatever sort of masculinity a young man arrives in to enter adult life. Supportive and mentoring fathers, as compared with the father who can and will never be satisfied with the ‘achievements’ of his son, can seed and nurture healthy male attitudes, perceptions and potential relationships.

Similarly, fathers, as husbands, who defer sycophantly and without authenticity or integrity to the will and the whims of their spouses (mothers) offer a subtle and not-often documented negative model for their young sons. Deference, as core respect, of course; it is when deferral is absent authenticity and self-possessed masculine identity, fails both the husband and the wife, as well as the children of either or both genders.

And this model of sycophancy is not exclusive to the domestic scene of our families and marriages. It is rampant in the corporate, military and all forms of hierarchical organization. And while the trend may be dissipating somewhat, following orders, and ‘sucking up’ to the boss, as a prime and too often successful path to advancement, promotion and career security. The male relationship to authority, in any and all of its many forms, is a core issue for many men.

And even while many men submit willingly and earnestly to their supervisors, coaches, and professors, for legitimate reasons and honourable motivations, there comes a time, perhaps many times, when a man has to ‘draw a line in the sand of his boundaries’….and refuse to cross it, irrespective of the implications.

Apparently, many Republican Congressmen and Senators, have yet to experience this life-changing, transformative, personal, psychic, and even spiritual metanoia, a moment that need not be exclusive to one’s relationship to a deity.

After nearly eight decades, I have had the privilege and the honour to work for a sizeable number of male asupervisors, as well as college and high school instructors and coaches. And, the ones who have continued to hold a special place in my memory are those who embodied a balance of self-and-other respect…and while that epithet may sound glib and rather inconsequential, I disagree.

The male who knows himself, is confident in his own judgement, and in his perceptions and attitudes of his place in the world, including his family, his profession and his contributions to the wider world, obviously, one for whom doors he seeks to open are more like to comply. The man who struggles, whether overly or more dangerously, covertly, to demonstrate his worth, his value and his worthiness, especially in pursuit of those medals and applause from others, is the man for whom doors, if and when they open, will likely close often prematurely.

And, here is another anecdote about male-self-sabotage.

While teaching report writing to a group of aspiring law enforcement candidates, I found them disrespectful, irritating, and disturbing to the community of the career college in which they were enrolled. They each expressed their desired goal of admission to the provincial police college, for which each of them would require a positive reference from their previous experience. As soon as this simple fact was pointed out, there was a collective look from every one to the others in the room, while had gone silent, as the realization of the foundational indisputable truth of their  sabotaging themselves became clear.

And yet, I have worked for university graduates, men, likely the first member of their family who even attended university, whose seemed to ‘cower’ in the face of their superiors. Their snivelling and grovelling, almost as a physical almost secretive way of moving even their bodies foreshadowed their self-effacing, self-doubting and spineless entries into ordinary discussion of professional issues. This kind of body-messaging is, analogous to verbal expression that reeks of insecurity and doubt, (very different and separate from humility, respect, and decorum) can be seen and heard in many often important meetings…and it sends messages to others that the men themselves may be totally unaware of sending.

We do not, except perhaps in theatre schools, train young men in body language, nor in how to speak in various normal, yet challenging human social situations, unless we are preparing someone for a formal interview. We do not regard the acquisition of skills in the basics of relationships, except perhaps in the occasional health and physical education segment of a total curriculum. Men, especially, and this comes directly from educational establishment men responsible for enhancing the school experience of young men, thing and believe that ‘more digital tech’ is all men need to get and to stay interested and engaged in school.

Men, all men, irrespective of their/our age, our education, our professional credentials, our family background, our faith community or lack of, or the economic and political status in the community, need…..need (not a typo) other men to talk with, to listen to, to learn from and to commiserate with….without having to first confront a crisis. Breaking down the resistance to self-disclosure, to emotional vulnerability, to honouring and respecting the loneliness many of us experience are not aspirations that are likely going to find ‘answers’ or even experiences in designed programs….

Experiments like Men’s Sheds, an international group of men, seeded by a family member of a lonely senior father, in Australia, has spread its wings to Ireland, Great Britain, the United States and Canada, providing friendship and whatever activities the men wish to engage in,….alleviating loneliness, and isolation and depression.

Could Men’s Sheds members consider adopting young men in their community just as friends, willing and open to learn and to share with each other…..not dissimilar to Big Brother, but on a rather unique, mutual need basis.

It is the mutuality of need as men, irrespective of the situation each faces, that can begin a conversation of respect, equality and a level playing field. Men are beyond tired; we are exhausted from having our gender considered primarily and stereotypically a ‘problem’ and yet many of us have made it very difficult to get out from under the conventional stereotype that men are basically angry and over-sexed.

There is really a lot more to us that our stereotype!

Really!!!