Searching foir God # 56

 There seems to be emerging a central theme in my criticism of the Christian church: the attempt to ‘fix’ or save individuals by convincing them to conform to/with a template of surrender, kenosis (emptying of will) forgiveness through grace, and redemption/salvation with the promise of an eternal life in heaven, with streets paved with gold. And to presume, assume and teach the essentials of that model as if it were the exclusive and most highly valued of all the religious bodies of thought, tradition, liturgy and relationship with God.

And all of this, at least as it has been taught to me and ingested and digested by me, is premised on the foundational stone of original sin and the categorizing of all humans, from the beginning as complicit in sin and the need for atonement, forgiveness and salvation. And, what is worse, and completely intolerable from my perch, is that, as Augustine uttered, we are contaminated by engaging in sexual activity.

Relentless, persistent, engrossed have I been in the process of attempting to unpack such a theological package in my own  life, as well as to recognize and acknowledge that I spent a dozen-plus years both in ministry formation and then in ministry practice, under the umbrella of that ‘template’…and the questions only keep coming, almost in a torrent. In fact, these pieces seem to be bubbling up from a place inside that has felt long-suppressed, needing to erupt.

Living on the edge between the fundamentalists and the liberals, between the urbans and the rurales, between feminism and advocacy for masculinities, between the ‘red’ and  the ‘green’ book of worship in the Canadian and America Anglican and Episcopal churches (again between the U.S.A. and Canada) and between the establishment and the outsiders (among whom I count myself), without ever soliciting a ‘pastoral support group’ in order to absorb some of the shock of parishioners’ anger hierarchy’s disdain, on reflection, I essentially left myself ‘out to dry’ on a limb which I helped cut off (pardon the mixed metaphors).

Another of the edges, especially in theological training, on which I found myself teetering is that the internal conflicts between and among classmates, typical of parish life, was never, in my experience, addressed either formally or informally as part of the curriculum.

Conflict resolution never appeared in any syllabus while, ironically, paradoxically and tragically, at least two weeks of daily classes were dedicated to what we disparagingly dubbed, ‘holy hand-waving’. How to hold your hands while consecrating he bread and wine of the eucharist, while relatively importantly as a ‘presentation skill’ (in today’s verbiage, ‘performative’) ought never to have either eclipsed or eliminated conflict resolution. Along with this curricular criticism must be included the extrinsic, empirical, sociological approach to ‘the psychology of religion.’

And that criticism brings up another of the influences on church and ministry practice: the impact of the secular culture. That impact has a number of symptoms:

Ø Anti-intellectualism,

Ø Political correctness

Ø Fixation on fiscal responsibility

Ø The divide between the wealthy and the poor within the parishes

Ø The divide between the ‘inner circle’ and any newcomer/outsider/unfamiliar face

Ø The politics of social class tensions

Ø The emasculation of the clergy to bring about honest, detailed, disturbing information as a beginning of resolving issues….

Ø The total absence of any formal and informal orientation of a new clergy to a parish, except for the most bland of documents, the ‘parish profile’….which invariably and inescapably omits any ‘negatives’ that are already extant, and to which the new clergy will be subject, usually blindly, ignorantly and innocently.

Ø The church window on any and all issues is so similar to any formal public discussion of those issues, that rarely, if ever is God introduced into the discussion, except perhaps on the initiative of the clergy.

Ø And the big one, a total  absorption of individuals and the culture on the conscious, cognitive, social, political, and sociological, at the expense of the theological.

Ø Little to no support from the hierarchy of the church, especially for new clergy entering challenging and dying parishes.

Of course, any educated, sensitive, caring, empath should be able to dance with the various musical beats, tones, rhythms dynamics  that are all merging in a cacophony of ‘conflicted interests, opinions, ambitions, legacies, reputations, and spiritualities’…and any other subterranean streams of the collective unconscious. And all of this is happening in an environment in which Jungian psychology is whispered, if at all, and the parish profile seeks to sketch out a ‘traditional’ or a contemporary approach to liturgy.

Biblical discussion and  interpretation, except if embraced as part of the ‘teaching component of the clergy’s job profile, is limited, if not absent. And, even training in the basic tenets of Anglican theology is weak at best and non-existent at worst.

Statements like “The Resurrection is a hoax” from one elderly parishioner, and ‘Jesus was the world’s best salesman’ from another, and ‘I’m only here to reserve my seat in heaven’ from another, and ‘If you need support with the bishop, I am your man’…from a male acolyte to the bishop…..these are just some of the bald and arresting moments, which, while offering a ‘teaching moment’ made one wonder about what one was supposed to do.

On reflection, the matter of division, whether in the theological school or in the various rural and urban parishes is perhaps exaggerated, on steroids among the people inhabiting pews, given that perhaps each and every one actually believes that s/he is working on behalf of God. Such a belief or perception renders the church a hotbed, greenhouse for perfectionists, in the perhaps sincere belief that, if they fold the linen perfectly as it has been done for a hundred years, God will be pleased with their folding.

And, as a clergy, the temptation to consider one’s words, thoughts, actions as so impactful as to be considered capable of messing with one’s perception of God, makes another indelible, if unconscious impact on those thousands who agree to serve.

Anglicans have a history of which they are proud, called the middle way, in Latin, via media. Embracing the sacraments along with scripture, balancing Catholicism and radical Protestantism (e.g. Puritanism), balancing scripture, tradition and reason as paths to understand God’s truth, embracing paradox by holding for example, free will and divine sovereignty, and sacramental v. evangelical,  and holding unity in diversity (high/low church liturgical styles).

And if there were a series of other ‘edges’ on which a clergy attempted to walk, here are some internal, ecclesial and theological ‘edges’ that push and pull both a congregation and certainly a clergy, often without warning or support.

It has to be beyond the limit of my mind, body and spirit to embrace fully either side of those ‘diversities’ and to oscillate between is completely twisting and torquing my psyche, while attending to the various pragmatic and routine duties of the normal clergy’s life. Too simplistic by half, I was and remain loyal to the sacramental, with a critical and skeptical eye on the interpretation of scripture, and uncomfortable, even disdainful if I am being honest, with the literal, evangelical wing of the church.

Judgement of others, and one hears it daily, if not hourly, is a drum-beat sound to which one never really gets comfortable…and while trying to shrug it off, nevertheless, the theology of love and hope and tolerance and forgiveness, among and between individual people, is rarely practiced, except of course, in a crisis. And the flip from the ‘gossip/judgment’ modality to the ‘excessive sympathetic caring modality makes one wonder about the authenticity of the latter.

Cynical, you say, on reading this litany….perhaps.

However, I wonder if many of those who are currently considering entering the highly desirable, honourable and very necessary professional of formal ministry have given enough time and thought to some of the really serious challenges they will have to face, alone with God?

I also wonder how long, if ever, it has been since the curricular planners and designers in theological schools have served in parish ministry. Courses such as New Testament, Old Testament, Proverbs, The Teachings of Paul, the Psychology of Religion, the philosophy of Religion, Field Education, and even basic courses in Greek or Hebrew can all have formal applications to active ministry, if their designers and instructors were familiar, even steeped, in the demands, requirements and expectations of active ministry life.

If I were a robust and energetic 45 today, and I were contemplating entering active ministry, I would get to know, both formally and informally a practicing clergy, and exchange theological perspectives with that person, no matter how superficial and naïve those views, ask about the kind and degree of challenges s/he and his/her colleagues are facing, and especially become familiar with the strategies, tactics, techniques and approaches they have deployed to defuse tension among laity, while also using the teachings of the gospel as ‘guides’ and beacons.

No ’paint-by-number’ self-help books please! Only by getting to know deeply, personally, and confidentially the men, women and children, within the church community, (and that can be a very frightening and intimidating experience for many) can a really substantive and trustworthy attempt at resolution of conflict be sustained.

And, while competent to challenge and to ask raw and relevant questions, I seem unable to reach the required ‘bar’ of professional success to bring harmony, peace, tolerance and hope to a church congregation. Sadly!

God knows I certainly tried, and many know how miserably I failed.